February 05, 2004

What is the MATRIX?

Is it one and a half decent movies stretched across a mediocre trilogy? Is it a sporty, compact SUV with questionable side-impact safety ratings? Yes and yes.

But what is the MATRIX?

As the Utah state legislature recently discovered, MATRIX stands for "Multi-state Anti-TeRrorism Information eXchange". Billed as a massive network of computer databases, the MATRIX has been quietly collecting ass-loads of information on residents of Utah, Florida, Michigan, as well as five other states. Not surprisingly, fans of privacy and civil liberties are pretty pissed off.

However, just like in the movies, this MATRIX is not what it seems. First of all, let us dispense with the myth that this is some scary, Big Brotheresque, instrument of the police state. Think about it: if the government was going to create such a thing, would it only operate in eight states - and would they even tell us about it? Certainly not. Don't get us wrong, there are indeed massive computer databases collecting data on every US citizen. Your purchasing habits, the web sites you frequent, the timing of your bowel movements - all of this is being logged by the US Government. But that's not what the MATRIX is all about.

So what is it?

After nearly fifteen minutes of painstaking research, CtS has discovered the true purpose of the MATRIX computer system. It isn't a coincidence that Utah was the first state to draw attention to this computer system. As some of you may recall, the Utah based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has come under fire for posthumously baptizing Jewish holocaust victims. Though the Mormon church recently agreed to end this practice, we believe that that they have actually been stepping up their posthumous baptisms. Converting corpses to your own religion is a time consuming activity... and there are millions of dead Jews out there, just waiting for a chance to become dead Mormons. In order to speed things up, the church of LDS needed to create a powerful computer system that could convert non-living non-believers at a furious rate. That's why Mormon Techno-Priests created the MATRIX, AKA the "Mary-kate and Ashley Totally Rule lol Xxx." system (this is what happens when you let your 13-year old daughter name a top secret computer system). It is the latest and greatest in Virtual Baptism technology!

Our projections tell us that the MATRIX has already virtually baptized every Jewish victim of the Nazi holocaust, as well those who died in the Stalinist purges. But this is just the beginning. Encouraged by the early success of the system, the Mormons have reprogramed the MATRIX to begin converting living Jews! If you happen to be Jewish, by the time you finish reading this article, you probably won't be anymore. Congratulations: You are now a Mormon! You should read this... and this.

In an interesting twist, Jewish Techno-Rabbis have responded to the MATRIX by creating their own system, code named "2Fast2Furious." We're not sure if that's supposed to be an acronym for something or if they just liked the movie. Either way, this new system incorporates Virtual Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah algorithms, and is being used to convert every living Mormon to Judaism. So, if you happen to be a Mormon, by the time you finish reading this article... well, we'll put it this way: you should probably cancel any planned missionary trips to the middle east.

Circling the Square will keep you up to date on this developing story!

Posted by scola at February 5, 2004 08:02 PM