February 11, 2004

Small Penised Men Fight Back!

No doubt you have watched the late night commercials, seen the ads in the back of magazines, deleted the dozens of unsolicited emails that invade your inbox every week. Who hasn't seen at least one ad for a "Male Enhancement" product? Every year, thousands - perhaps millions - of lonely, insecure men are seduced by the promise of "3 inches overnite!" and "wmoen will love you!" (sic). Shelling out hard earned money for fake penis enlargement products, these poor saps soon discover that they have been ripped off. Even worse, there is nothing they can do about it! The only way they could hope to get their money back would involve admitting to the public that they have been cursed with inferior genitalia. And who would ever admit to that?

Jeffrey Horton, that's who!

Standing up tall for short-penised men everywhere, Horton is taking those scam artists in the Male Enhancement industry to court. In doing so, not only is Horton telling the world that he has a tiny, pathetic, insignificant little phallus, but he is also squaring off against a vicious conspiracy. God help Jeffrey Horton... and his microscopic penis.

While most people think the companies that market penis enlargement products are ordinary scam artists, nothing could be further from the truth. You see, genital augmentation scams break down into three separate categories: There is the penis patch, the penis pill, and the penis pump (a venerable classic). All three of these swindles pose a grave threat to your health, not to mention the health of your genitalia.

Consider, for instance, the humble Penis Patch: these are nothing more than extra-strength nicotine patches that have been relabeled "Penis Patch" by the big tobacco companies! Any man foolish enough to use these will notice no changes below the belt... but all that nicotine entering the bloodstream will cause him to experience a sudden and intense craving for cigarettes. And don't think for a minute that Penis Pills will increase your size "down there." Those are experimental mood control drugs, covertly distributed by the CIA. The idea is to secretly medicate men with size issues, since they tend to be just the kind of angry loners who commit acts of domestic terrorism. Don't let the Spooks foil your plans to overthrow the US government... avoid these pills at all costs.

Finally, there is the Penis Pump. To be honest, we are not sure what these things are. After extensive testing, we think these pumps might be some form of ancient alien technology, designed to drain our very Life Force and transmit it across the universe to an alien HomeWorld. Either that, or the Penis Pumps are a way for disreputable companies to make money off of defective tennis ball rechargers.

No More Dead Balls, indeed.

If you have been afflicted with a diminutive man-unit, don't despair. There are legitimate techniques for increasing the length and girth of your male parts. But be warned: all of these techniques involve some form of black magic, and generally animal sacrifice is required. Only trust your penis to a licensed and experienced practitioner of the Dark Arts.

Posted by scola at February 11, 2004 03:18 AM