February 23, 2004

Keep your dirty fingers out of my brain!

Developed by Dr. Lawrence A. Farwell, Brain Fingerprinting is a system that allows researchers (i.e., interrogators) to probe the human mind for specific pieces of information. Here is how it works: When you are presented with information that you are already familiar with, your brain emits a specific electrical response that can be detected using special brain scanning equipment. If you are unfamiliar with the information, the pattern does not occur. Did I mention the part where they SCAN YOUR FREAKING BRAIN?

Dr. Farwell, Chief Scientist (and Kung Fu Master) of Brain Fingerprinting Laboratories Inc., hopes that this technology can be used to prevent terrorism and overturn the convictions of falsely accused death row inmates. Certainly, Brain Fingerprinting could be used for these benevolent purposes. But the potential for abuse here... for God's sake, we are talking about a machine that reads your mind! Even a novice conspiracy theorist could come up with a few thousand ways in which this thing might be used to ruin our lives. Thoughts are, by their very nature, intended to be private. If I wanted to broadcast my personal thoughts and feelings to the world, I'd go start a blog, just as every emotionally crippled adolescent in America has done already. But that's just not my style.

No doubt, Brain Fingerprinting is bad news for anyone who wishes to maintain the privacy of their mind. However, there is good news! Circling the Square has developed a technique anyone can use to beat the system! Just as the old polygraph tests could be fooled, so can you defeat Brain Fingerprinting. Remember, the technology works by scanning your brain for particular pieces of information. Therefore, the only way to beat the system is to reduce the amount of information in your brain until all potentially incriminating knowledge has been eliminated. We like to refer to this process as "Idiotification"... and it's much easier than you might think!

You see, popular culture has supplied us with a nearly limitless arsenal of "entertainment products" designed to turn audiences into drooling, mindless wastes of oxygen. Reality television, the music of Creed, Harry Potter fan-fiction, just about any movie featuring Pauly Shore - all of these will do the trick. In the past, we have instructed our readers to avoid these forms of entertainment at all costs. But in brief, concentrated doses, they will allow you to emerge from any future brain-scanning session unscathed.

Of course, once you have succeed in beating a Brain Fingerprinting test, you will need to quickly replenish all of the knowledge you lost through the idiotification process. Obviously, reading through the Circling the Square archives would be a good place to start. If there is any other information that you figure you'll need to remember, we recommend that you get it tattooed to an inconspicuous part of your body. It worked pretty well for the guy in Memento!

Posted by scola at February 23, 2004 03:51 AM

somewhere John Ashcroft is peeing his pants with anticipation

Posted by: Plinko at February 25, 2004 09:36 PM

hello i didnt read it all but it sounds really wierd oh well im sopposed 2 be doing my history h/w on da square keep and im making a leaflet i dnt know y im doing this probably cuz im bored!!!!! r u a doctor?????? y does it say bout FINGERS IN A BRAIN "IMAGINE IT"

Posted by: at March 29, 2004 03:47 PM

So how is this different from a lie detector test only being more accurate?

Posted by: Chucky at April 9, 2004 08:20 PM

Good question, Chucky.

We don't like lie detectors either... but at least those things are very easy to beat. Furthermore, if a person is subjected to a lie detector test, that person can simply choose NOT to answer a question. But with these brain scanning machines, they only need to ask the question... your brain responds even if you choose to remain silent. This means that Brain Fingerprinting would be an interrogator's Dream Come True. No more messy torture to get someone to talk. Of course, this doesn't mean that messy torture won't be performed...

Posted by: scola at April 10, 2004 10:42 AM

Looks like someone took your "idiotification" advice to heart.
Very glad to see that CtS is back - it's been way too long.

Posted by: parkesy at May 26, 2004 11:20 PM