April 05, 2004

When Zombies Attack

Americans LOVE zombies. And who can blame them? Perhaps nothing represents the day-to-day existence of average Americans better than a swarm of mindless, foul-smelling, bloodthirsty zombies. Even so, the walking dead are a tribe most people would prefer to admire from a distance. Sure, most of us enjoy watching zombies in horror movies and anchoring Fox News broadcasts, but no one wants to encounter one in real life. And now, with the recent popularity of films such as 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead, and The Passion of the Christ, many concerned citizens find themselves asking this question:

Could it happen here?

Yes it could.

It could happen tomorrow. It could happen next week. It could be happening RIGHT NOW, but you're too busy screwing around on the internet to even notice! Be warned: At any moment, Planet Earth could become overrun with marauding armies of undead. If this happens... WHEN this happens, will you be prepared?

Probably not. Most people don't know the first thing about ZAPP (Zombie Attack Preparation Protocol). Fortunately for you, we're not most people. Read on to learn how you can protect yourself, your family, and your collection of dirty Japanese comic books from the zombie hordes.

The first thing you will need to do is learn what tactics WON'T help you during a zombie attack. For instance, when a mob of undead come clawing at the door, many Americans might fall to their knees, praying to God. Not very smart! Not only does prayer eat up critical time that could be better spent kicking zombie ass, but it is also an exercise in futility. Seriously, if God still cared about you, would He have allowed the dead to walk the earth? Not likely! Ben Franklin once wrote, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Well, zombies are like the opposite of beer: they are proof that God hates us and wants us to be eaten by zombies. Believe me, when the day of reckoning arrives, a few last minute prayers aren't going to change His mind. You're screwed, get used to it.

Therefore, we move on to Plan B: the aforementioned Zombie Ass-Kicking. At this point, many of you might be feeling pretty smug. Perhaps you are among those who have spent years training your body and mind in the ways of Martial Arts. Maybe you've got a black belt in Tae Kwan Dao. Possibly you've become a master of Aikido. People like you have been waiting for this moment all your lives - an opportunity to unleash your deadly skills on wave after wave of loathsome opponents. Sounds like fun... too bad Kung Fu doesn't work on the undead! Have you ever actually seen a ninja kick a zombie's ass? No, you haven't - and there's a very good reason for that. Zombies don't feel pain, they don't have "pressure points," and their strength comes not from muscles and joints, but from the darkest of magical energies. Nothing you learned in Karate class applies to the undead; punching and kicking at them is only going to GET YOU EATEN.

So... what will help you protect yourself against zombies? Guns. Lots of guns. But not just any guns... if you intend to square off against the undead, you're going to need firearms with serious stopping power. Remember: you're not Chow Yun-Fat and this isn't a rap video - leave the small caliber stuff at home. For good reason, the most popular anti-zombie weapon in the world is the humble shotgun. Sawed-off or otherwise, nothing can beat the ol' boomstick in terms of short range killing power. Also, the shotgun is very easy to aim, making it an ideal choice for any children in your post-apocalyptic survival party. If you're looking for something with a little more range and ammo capacity, we recommend you find yourself a fully automatic assault rifle. You can probably find one at Wal-Mart. M-16, AK-47, Galil ARM - it's all good. Just be sure to get the biggest clip size possible for your weapon of choice. Zombies are an impatient lot, and may not be willing to let you call "time out" every time you need to reload.

In addition to guns, you should be sure to keep a few cans of gasoline available for zombie related emergencies. Gasoline can be sprayed on large groups of advancing brain-eaters, allowing you to set them ablaze (a tactic that is generally proceeded by Running Like Hell). Additionally, gasoline will keep your vehicle fueled and ready, allowing you to take out zombies by running them over. Alternately, I suppose you could use the fuel to drive AWAY from the zombies. Whatever works for you.

In closing, we would remind you that the walking dead represent a grave and very real threat to your health and safety... just as real as the dangers presented by Vampires, Werewolves, Leprechauns and the Liberal Media. Be prepared... or be zombie food!

Posted by scola at April 5, 2004 03:00 AM
Comments

Needless to say, this article was just a brief introduction to the subject. Do any of you, our esteemed readers, have any additional suggestions regarding how the zombie threat might be contained?

Posted by: scola at April 7, 2004 01:29 AM

Im sure the guy who wrote this site is a person who is well into his Japanese Zombie Horror Comics and thinks he knows a thing or two, however, he failed to mention that a zombie has the same characteristics as a human, skeletal structure for instance. To kill a zombie you must, as was suggested, set them on fire, however they dont feel pain so im sure it'll take time for the flesh-eater to burn out. Also if you are going to shoot them, make sure you hit them in the head, destroying the brain which will kill the nerves and render it useless, or, break the spinal cord, sever it, and the skeletal structure will too become a pile on the ground. So, i ask, if this day is to come when we are overrun by brain-eaters, who by the way will be extremely slow if not still due to a thing called rigamourtis, how might it all happen???? dont tell me.... A government experiment? no, no..... A contaminated meteor from outer space? PLEASE!!!!! If it could happen, then let me know, maybe i wont be as harsh!!!!

Posted by: Phil at April 15, 2004 10:52 AM

As the person who wrote this article, I can address these questions:

Some of the more "Zombie 101" issues we didn't bother to mention in the article. You are certainly correct about the need to aim for the head/neck in order to take the zombie out. However, if you use a shotgun or an assault rifle, any direct hit is likely to incapacitate the zombie, so headshots are less of a concern. You are also right about how setting the zombie on fire will take a while... that's why we recommended Running Like Hell if you go that route.

As for your second point... does it really matter HOW it will happen? Government experiment, infected meteor, voodoo, nuclear waste, the End of Times... when a zombie is munching on your cranium, will the exact cause of that zombie's existence really make much of a difference to you?


Probably not.

Posted by: scola at April 15, 2004 11:32 PM

The most important thing to remember to survive a zombie attack is to steer clear of the dreaded 'shoot first, check later' redneck. They will be easily detected by their distinguishible marks and behavior: Flourecent cap, vest, pertruding gut, spittin', rollbar equipped pickup, travel in packs, and lastly, leave a trail of Old Milwakee beer cans.

Posted by: Dan North at May 14, 2004 04:55 AM

For help exterminating zombies, or for more information about them, please contact Zombie Squad:
http://zombiehunters.org/
and their forum:
http://zombiesquad.theedge.net/phpbb2/
"When you find yourself in grave danger, Zombie Squad!"

Posted by: Jamoni at May 15, 2004 05:11 PM

You seem to have forgotten the texbook for zombie survival. Max Brook's monumental tome detailing weaponry, plans of attack, long term survival plans, and historically documented zombie attacks: The Zombie Survival Guide.

Posted by: Ian at May 26, 2004 07:38 PM

I have a question. what about if the hand gun has hollow points in it. and It would probably be best if you made your way to a place where you can get a sword or a chain saw, or maybe a cricket bat, like in shurn of the dead.

Posted by: Clone 571 at May 28, 2004 07:43 AM

Hollow Points are cool, as are the Armor Piercing Limited Penetration rounds mentioned in the War-Tech article. However, hand guns still have limited range and stopping power compared to a assault rifle/shotgun. However, it never hurts to have a sidearm!

Regarding swords and chainsaws, those can be stunningly effective in the hands of an expert. But YOU ARE NOT AN EXPERT. Have you ever tried swinging around a chainsaw as a weapon? It's not easy! You're more likely to decapitate yourself than take out any zombies with that tactic. As for your cricket bat idea - that sounds like a great idea if you are trying to prevent zombies from knocking down your wickets. However, you should probably worry more about preventing the zombies from EATING YOUR HEAD!

Posted by: scola at May 28, 2004 02:29 PM

Shot guns don't have a much better range than a hand gun. You'll have a higher chance at hitting the target than with a handgun but unless you have a really big sized shot (like 00) then you'll have to be close to penetrate. It only takes a few pellets to break a clay pigeon but a head is much harder.

Hang guns usually hold more rounds at a time and the ammo is much lighter.

Posted by: damn u zombies at June 1, 2004 11:45 AM

you seem to think fight your way through the hellish legions of the undead is the best idea but wouldnt running away and living to fight later be a bit smarter?

Posted by: DJ at June 7, 2004 03:21 PM

You're right. Step one, after you find out that an outbreak has occured, is to get the hell away from populated areas. Next, find a secluded area (hopefully one you have alread thought about and supplied) and secure it.
Then stay real quiet, listen to the radio with head phones, and hope things calm down enough that you can get back to making a life for youself.

You'll have to consider what will happen if you have to confront them, though. You'll need some weapons. Preferably projectiles so you don't have to get close.

But yes, running away should always be plan A. Cowboys are what turn small outbreaks into HUGE outbreaks. Don't be a cowboy. If you don't already know this then you obviously haven't watch enough "Zombie Survival Training Films". :)


For more info check out:
http://zombiesquad.theedge.net/phpbb2/

Posted by: damn u zombies at June 10, 2004 04:19 PM

I DO Agree Cowboys Are Definetly a Problem Especially When they Cause big Problems From Little Ones.

Posted by: Zombie Killer 00 at June 13, 2004 03:38 PM

Ha. You fools. I'll be the one laughing, up here on THE MOON.

But seriously, the idea is to gather a group of ragtag, bumbling scientists (there's -always- a groups of ragtag, bumbling scientists), and utilize parts from a few salvaged Hummers to build a 40-foot shot gun.

Buckshot = fun.
Arkansas sized spray of buckshot = super zombie-killing fun.

Posted by: Fibbs P. Gank at July 9, 2004 11:58 AM

Or better yet: http://zombiesquad.theedge.net/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=684

Posted by: DJ at July 12, 2004 02:29 PM

Where's this spam come from?

Stupid internet. Just for that I'll never buy viagra again!!

Guns kill zombies dead.

Posted by: Jesus Fucking Christ!! at July 13, 2004 11:14 PM

Spam Deleted.

Posted by: scola at July 14, 2004 01:35 AM

fact is always stranger than fiction. If you work 60-80 hours/week, to come home to a microwave dinner, then sit on your couch watching mindnumbing television, then you are already well on your way to being one of the zombie hordes.
the zombie 'myth' is real. just because you have a heartbeat doesn't mean you are ALIVE. there are plenty of people walking around already dead.....they just don't know it yet.
unplug yourself before its too late.
oh yeah, and the reason why they eat BRAINS is because in this flourescent light generation (bright but not very warm) we value intellect over compassion. we're fucked.

Posted by: Alex at July 24, 2004 01:03 PM

The only weapon I need for these zombies, is the one between my legs.

Posted by: Richard Scaliwag at August 25, 2004 02:56 PM