May 26, 2004

Carbs on the Brain

Most of the world thinks that Americans are fat and stupid. That, of course, is a matter of opinion - but the growing American obsession with low carb diets is a matter of fact. Low carb beer, low carb pasta, low carb sodas and burgers and doughnuts: everywhere you look the market is pushing the low carb lifestyle on an eager and hopeful public. While nutritionists debate just how effective this diet is, Circling the Square wonders if the same diet that promises to make Americans less fat might also be making them more stupid.

Maybe you don't realize how dramatically the low carb fixation has affected American eating habits. Consider breakfast, the most important (and traditionally carbocentric) meal of the day. We used to eat toast, jelly, bagels, pancakes, cereals, fruit. Not anymore. Americans now start their day by pouring Carb Countdown Low Carb Milk over a delicious bowl of Special K for Low Carb Lifestyles - made from Real Meat Byproducts. Alternately, they might visit Hardee's (AKA Carl's Jr.) for a 620 calorie "Low Carb Breakfast Bowl" filled with cheese, eggs, sausage, bacon, ham and other ingredients commonly associated with weight loss. Some people have trimmed down significantly with this diet, others simply enjoy shoving fatty foods down their throats while convincing themselves that fat will make them thin. Either way, most dieters are unaware of a dark and disturbing secret behind Dr. Atkins' nutritional scheme: It's bad for your brain!

The National Academy of Sciences states that adults should consume at least 130 grams of carbohydrates every day. That's how much it takes to keep a human brain working properly. When you cut carbs from your diet, you cut off the energy supply to your brain. This can cause problems such as fatigue, irritability, disorientation, memory trouble. In time, it can turn you into a drooling idiot - and not the good kind of drooling idiot. The dumber you get, the more willing you become to try new and even more ridiculous diet fads: The Frozen Lard Diet, the Hamster-A-Day Diet, The Eat Less Food and Exercise More Diet. Clearly, this madness has got to stop!

If you are really looking for a diet plan that guarantees quick and long lasting weight-loss (and you're not particularly concerned about long-term health effects) we have a recommendation for you: Smoke more crack!

Crack is a clinically proven dietary supplement that increases your metabolism while decreasing your cravings for carbs/sweets/work/etc. It also contains a fat blocking hormone that prevents fat from...

Look, who the hell are we kidding: Crack Kills. Even so, you can't deny that crack addicts are skinny as hell! And while the drug certainly does wreak havoc in the mind of an addict, it merely causes paranoia and violent impulses. In our estimation, this is far better than a fad diet that makes you stupid.

If crack isn't your cup of tea, you could always go for some of that extreme plastic surgery (as seen on Reality TV). However, you almost certainly won't be able to afford the elite surgeons that can slice and dice any fool off the street and make them look like Jennifer Lopez or Brad Pitt. Set your sights lower. Much lower. Ladies might go for a Courtney Love special, fellas might ask for a Michael Jackson, circa 1993 (before things got totally out of hand). Good luck with that!

Posted by scola at May 26, 2004 02:48 AM

Oh, I have another great idea for losing weight - Go Anorexic! Yes, you can die, and its really bad for your health, and mood as well, but hey, the pounds just drop off!

Posted by: The Creator at May 27, 2004 12:07 PM

You're right, "The Creator"! Anorexia is a tried and true method of dropping pounds, killing yourself, etc. The trouble with anorexia is that it no one can really make any money off of it. The popularity of the Atkins and South Beach diets has translated to big profits for book publishers, diet food companies, fast food restaurants and other industries that have found ways to cash in. But how is anyone going to cash in on anorexia? With Bulimia you could at least sell products that make people vomit - in fact, Arby's already has a big head start in that area. Clearly, lack of marketing opportunities is the only thing preventing anorexia from becoming the Next Big Diet Fad.

Posted by: scola at May 27, 2004 08:55 PM

Oh god!! extreme plastic know MTV had this short lived show called "I WANT A FAMOUS FACE" there where these two twins who got plastic surgery to look like Brad Pitt and this one dude got a sex change, hormone therapy and some slicing and dicing to look like that booty shaking Affleck slut J-Lo. Maybe J-Lo is a man? I call for a rigourous investigation!

Posted by: Jack The Stripper at July 7, 2004 06:06 PM