February 23, 2004

Keep your dirty fingers out of my brain!

Developed by Dr. Lawrence A. Farwell, Brain Fingerprinting is a system that allows researchers (i.e., interrogators) to probe the human mind for specific pieces of information. Here is how it works: When you are presented with information that you are already familiar with, your brain emits a specific electrical response that can be detected using special brain scanning equipment. If you are unfamiliar with the information, the pattern does not occur. Did I mention the part where they SCAN YOUR FREAKING BRAIN?

Dr. Farwell, Chief Scientist (and Kung Fu Master) of Brain Fingerprinting Laboratories Inc., hopes that this technology can be used to prevent terrorism and overturn the convictions of falsely accused death row inmates. Certainly, Brain Fingerprinting could be used for these benevolent purposes. But the potential for abuse here... for God's sake, we are talking about a machine that reads your mind! Even a novice conspiracy theorist could come up with a few thousand ways in which this thing might be used to ruin our lives. Thoughts are, by their very nature, intended to be private. If I wanted to broadcast my personal thoughts and feelings to the world, I'd go start a blog, just as every emotionally crippled adolescent in America has done already. But that's just not my style.

No doubt, Brain Fingerprinting is bad news for anyone who wishes to maintain the privacy of their mind. However, there is good news! Circling the Square has developed a technique anyone can use to beat the system! Just as the old polygraph tests could be fooled, so can you defeat Brain Fingerprinting. Remember, the technology works by scanning your brain for particular pieces of information. Therefore, the only way to beat the system is to reduce the amount of information in your brain until all potentially incriminating knowledge has been eliminated. We like to refer to this process as "Idiotification"... and it's much easier than you might think!

You see, popular culture has supplied us with a nearly limitless arsenal of "entertainment products" designed to turn audiences into drooling, mindless wastes of oxygen. Reality television, the music of Creed, Harry Potter fan-fiction, just about any movie featuring Pauly Shore - all of these will do the trick. In the past, we have instructed our readers to avoid these forms of entertainment at all costs. But in brief, concentrated doses, they will allow you to emerge from any future brain-scanning session unscathed.

Of course, once you have succeed in beating a Brain Fingerprinting test, you will need to quickly replenish all of the knowledge you lost through the idiotification process. Obviously, reading through the Circling the Square archives would be a good place to start. If there is any other information that you figure you'll need to remember, we recommend that you get it tattooed to an inconspicuous part of your body. It worked pretty well for the guy in Memento!

Posted by scola at 03:51 AM | Comments (5)

February 18, 2004

Update: Supermice, Cuddly Infections

Here are a few developing stories we are keeping our eyes on.

Supermice: In 1999, Circling the Square reported on some rather disturbing experiments happening at Princeton, the purpose of which was to create a new race of super-intelligent laboratory mice. Here is the link to that old story (sorry about the broken images, we still have not had a chance to incorporate all of our old content into the new site). In this story, we predicted that Genius Mice would break out of their labs and take over every college and university in America. We now realize that our predictions might have been a bit premature. Though the Princeton mice were smart, they must have been too weak to do any real damage. This week, nearly five years later, we have been monitoring reports about gene therapy experiments at the University of Pennsylvania that have doubled the strength and speed of mice. Once the Princeton and Penn research is put together, scientists will able to create mice that are super-fast, super-strong, and super-smart. Sort of a combination of Speedy Gonzalez, Danger Mouse, and The Brain. Except these mice will not be harmless cartoon characters... unless some scientists find a way of genetically turning them into cartoons. Man, that would be sweet.

Cuddly Infections: Even though Valentine's Day is over, it's never to late to buy that special person in your life a token of your affection. And what could bring more joy to your significant other than a cuddly, plush model of the Ebola virus? Or perhaps your lover would like to snuggle up against a cute little Black Death bacterium. You can find these and more at giantmicrobes.com. Not just a thoughtful gift, but a chilling sign of things to come!

Posted by scola at 01:18 AM | Comments (1)

February 11, 2004

Small Penised Men Fight Back!

No doubt you have watched the late night commercials, seen the ads in the back of magazines, deleted the dozens of unsolicited emails that invade your inbox every week. Who hasn't seen at least one ad for a "Male Enhancement" product? Every year, thousands - perhaps millions - of lonely, insecure men are seduced by the promise of "3 inches overnite!" and "wmoen will love you!" (sic). Shelling out hard earned money for fake penis enlargement products, these poor saps soon discover that they have been ripped off. Even worse, there is nothing they can do about it! The only way they could hope to get their money back would involve admitting to the public that they have been cursed with inferior genitalia. And who would ever admit to that?

Jeffrey Horton, that's who!

Standing up tall for short-penised men everywhere, Horton is taking those scam artists in the Male Enhancement industry to court. In doing so, not only is Horton telling the world that he has a tiny, pathetic, insignificant little phallus, but he is also squaring off against a vicious conspiracy. God help Jeffrey Horton... and his microscopic penis.

While most people think the companies that market penis enlargement products are ordinary scam artists, nothing could be further from the truth. You see, genital augmentation scams break down into three separate categories: There is the penis patch, the penis pill, and the penis pump (a venerable classic). All three of these swindles pose a grave threat to your health, not to mention the health of your genitalia.

Consider, for instance, the humble Penis Patch: these are nothing more than extra-strength nicotine patches that have been relabeled "Penis Patch" by the big tobacco companies! Any man foolish enough to use these will notice no changes below the belt... but all that nicotine entering the bloodstream will cause him to experience a sudden and intense craving for cigarettes. And don't think for a minute that Penis Pills will increase your size "down there." Those are experimental mood control drugs, covertly distributed by the CIA. The idea is to secretly medicate men with size issues, since they tend to be just the kind of angry loners who commit acts of domestic terrorism. Don't let the Spooks foil your plans to overthrow the US government... avoid these pills at all costs.

Finally, there is the Penis Pump. To be honest, we are not sure what these things are. After extensive testing, we think these pumps might be some form of ancient alien technology, designed to drain our very Life Force and transmit it across the universe to an alien HomeWorld. Either that, or the Penis Pumps are a way for disreputable companies to make money off of defective tennis ball rechargers.

No More Dead Balls, indeed.

If you have been afflicted with a diminutive man-unit, don't despair. There are legitimate techniques for increasing the length and girth of your male parts. But be warned: all of these techniques involve some form of black magic, and generally animal sacrifice is required. Only trust your penis to a licensed and experienced practitioner of the Dark Arts.

Posted by scola at 03:18 AM | Comments (0)

February 07, 2004

Drinking Away Your Privacy

Think you can escape the conspiracy by getting liquored up?

Think again.

After a long, hard day of doing whatever the hell it is you do all day, it sure is nice to be able to sit down at your local watering hole and knock back a few cold ones. But beware: Wired News reports that bars and restaurants around the country are using electronic ID scanners to collect marketing data on everyone who steps up to the bar. This marketing data could include such deeply private information as:

1. Your age.
2. What kind of beer you like to drink.
3. What foods you like to eat.

If this continues, we can imagine a nightmare world in which restaurants recommend menu items to patrons based on their beverage choices, or - even more horrifyingly - beverages based on their menu selections! Dammit, when I order a Guinness at a bar, is it too much for me to expect to be able to enjoy it in peace, without some art school reject waiter pestering me about the triple-fried Mozzarella Stix that he "just knows I'm gonna love!!!", because 43% of males aged 25-52 who order Guinness at 6:23 on a Thusday night like to eat fried cheese?

This is why I mostly drink alone. At home. In the dark. Totally nude. But I digress.

If you must drink in public, Circling the Square recommends that you always carry a fake ID. And when we say you should carry a fake ID, we mean you should carry many fake IDs. One ID doesn't cut it... it's too easy to trace back to you. Personally, I carry between 25-50 fake IDs with me at all times. AT ALL TIMES. I also carry a forged passport, a sweater with someone else's monogram, and a free cappuccino punch card registered to someone named "Samir". You just can't be too careful.

Fake IDs, however, may not be enough. Even if the data doesn't get traced back to you personally, your food and drink purchases will still be used to establish a profile. That profile will be sold to marketing agencies around the world, who in turn will use it to sell god only knows what to god only knows whom. If you don't want to be a part of this, there is only one thing to do: generate false data. For instance, let's say you are an urban hipster who likes to go to trendy bars and drink premium scotch. You should go to T.G.I.Fridays once a week and order a Zima. If you are a vegan, order red meat a few times a month. Allergic to shellfish? Order the shrimp special! Your friends may laugh at you... they may think you've lost your mind, but don't let that stop you. Poisoning your own data stream is an easy and fun way to screw the big market research companies. Do it today!

Posted by scola at 02:53 AM | Comments (0)

February 05, 2004

What is the MATRIX?

Is it one and a half decent movies stretched across a mediocre trilogy? Is it a sporty, compact SUV with questionable side-impact safety ratings? Yes and yes.

But what is the MATRIX?

As the Utah state legislature recently discovered, MATRIX stands for "Multi-state Anti-TeRrorism Information eXchange". Billed as a massive network of computer databases, the MATRIX has been quietly collecting ass-loads of information on residents of Utah, Florida, Michigan, as well as five other states. Not surprisingly, fans of privacy and civil liberties are pretty pissed off.

However, just like in the movies, this MATRIX is not what it seems. First of all, let us dispense with the myth that this is some scary, Big Brotheresque, instrument of the police state. Think about it: if the government was going to create such a thing, would it only operate in eight states - and would they even tell us about it? Certainly not. Don't get us wrong, there are indeed massive computer databases collecting data on every US citizen. Your purchasing habits, the web sites you frequent, the timing of your bowel movements - all of this is being logged by the US Government. But that's not what the MATRIX is all about.

So what is it?

After nearly fifteen minutes of painstaking research, CtS has discovered the true purpose of the MATRIX computer system. It isn't a coincidence that Utah was the first state to draw attention to this computer system. As some of you may recall, the Utah based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has come under fire for posthumously baptizing Jewish holocaust victims. Though the Mormon church recently agreed to end this practice, we believe that that they have actually been stepping up their posthumous baptisms. Converting corpses to your own religion is a time consuming activity... and there are millions of dead Jews out there, just waiting for a chance to become dead Mormons. In order to speed things up, the church of LDS needed to create a powerful computer system that could convert non-living non-believers at a furious rate. That's why Mormon Techno-Priests created the MATRIX, AKA the "Mary-kate and Ashley Totally Rule lol Xxx." system (this is what happens when you let your 13-year old daughter name a top secret computer system). It is the latest and greatest in Virtual Baptism technology!

Our projections tell us that the MATRIX has already virtually baptized every Jewish victim of the Nazi holocaust, as well those who died in the Stalinist purges. But this is just the beginning. Encouraged by the early success of the system, the Mormons have reprogramed the MATRIX to begin converting living Jews! If you happen to be Jewish, by the time you finish reading this article, you probably won't be anymore. Congratulations: You are now a Mormon! You should read this... and this.

In an interesting twist, Jewish Techno-Rabbis have responded to the MATRIX by creating their own system, code named "2Fast2Furious." We're not sure if that's supposed to be an acronym for something or if they just liked the movie. Either way, this new system incorporates Virtual Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah algorithms, and is being used to convert every living Mormon to Judaism. So, if you happen to be a Mormon, by the time you finish reading this article... well, we'll put it this way: you should probably cancel any planned missionary trips to the middle east.

Circling the Square will keep you up to date on this developing story!

Posted by scola at 08:02 PM | Comments (0)

February 04, 2004

Welcome to the New Circling the Square

We're back.

Yes, after years of stagnation, neglect, and inactivity, Circling the Square is back.

Good news for you. Bad news for enemies of The Truth.

Before we get started, an important note for experienced CtS readers: The content from the "old site" is not gone - it's just on hiatus. Very soon, we will make all those classic articles - those golden nuggets of undeniable Truth - available to the public. For "those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it". Of course, those who can learn from history are also doomed, but at least they will see it coming. That's got to count for something.

If you are new to Circling the Square, welcome! Please check out the "About Us" sidebar to learn more about our site.

So, prepare yourselves, Truth-seekers. Strap on those tin foil hats and equip yourself with all necessary forms of vampiric protection - you'll be glad you did.

And remember: The Truth may not be pretty, but at least it's never boring.

Posted by scola at 01:48 AM | Comments (3)