March 09, 2004

MarthaCorp up for Grabs

It was the shot heard 'round suburbia: Martha Stewart found guilty on four counts. Four counts of... well, of doing pretty much the same tricks that put George W. Bush and Dick Cheney into the running-the-country business. Alas, Martha made the mistake of offering huge financial contributions to the wrong political party, drawing the attention of a Justice Department that tends to give a pass to those who contribute to the right political party. And now she's going to jail. Somewhere on the internet, a porn fiend has already started googling for "nude martha stewart prison pics sex porn". We salute him.

However, we must not get distracted by kinky fantasies of Martha Stewart frolicking with her sister inmates in the prison showers. When Martha heads off to the Big House, she will be abandoning a massive corporate empire. Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia (MSO) churns out magazines, television shows, housewares, and a signature line of tasteful-yet-naughty adult novelty items. Without Stewart ruling over her company with a lilac scented iron fist, what will become of MarthaCorp?

It is possible that Stewart could run the empire from prison, just as many mafia types have attempted to do in the past. But even a minimum security, country-club prison will probably deny her the equipment necessary to make this happen. Sure, some incarcerated Mob guy could scrawl out notes on scraps of toilet paper or type up coded letters on prison stationary. But this is Martha freaking Stewart we're talking about here! If she is unable to make her own paper from oak pulp and rose petals; if she is not given access to a 53 piece monogrammed calligraphy set and premium Egyptian ink, Martha Stewart could not possibly send out a respectable letter of instructions back to HQ. Unable to communicate with her corporate minions, her empire will surely collapse in a matter of weeks.

Or will it?

CtS has discovered the identity of an extremely powerful man who is - at this very moment - plotting to swoop in and take control of MSO. Who is this would-be usurper to Martha's throne?

None other than John David Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States!

At first, when the Attorney General had his prosecutors go after Stewart, we figured it was nothing more than a bit of political misdirection. By throwing the book at a high profile media figure like Stewart, he could afford to take it easy on his political allies at Enron and WorldCom... and still come off as "tough on corporate fraud". What we never realized, however, was that Ashcroft had an additional motive for prosecuting Martha Stewart - his burning desire to BECOME Martha Stewart!

Surprised that a stern and powerful man such as Ashcroft would wish to take on the role of America's Favorite Homemaker? You shouldn't be. When John Ashcroft isn't busy taking away your civil rights, composing patriotic songs (and forcing his underlings to sing them), or attempting to turn America into a Christian Theocracy, he enjoys dabbling in home decorating. In fact, he enjoys it so much, he hopes to use the marketing power of MSO to implement his interior design agenda in millions of homes across the country! Ashcroft already gave America a taste of his design sense back in 2002 when he spent $8,000 covering the exposed breast of a statue within the Justice Department's Great Hall. This brave act of anal prudishness is emblematic of the Attorney General's overall design philosophy - a philosophy that can be summed up in two simple words: "COVER EVERYTHING". Have you got lovely natural wood floors in your home? Ashcroft commands that you cover the shameful nudity of that floor with some nice shag carpeting. Did you invest in Italian marble countertops? Ashcroft insists that you cover that counter with plywood so as to preserve the counter's modesty. He even intends to expand this philosophy into the kitchen, where he will recommend that all cooked meats be doused with a generous layer of ranch dressing. Soon, no pork chop or salmon fillet will be safe!

To avert this catastrophe, we must support Martha Stewart in her darkest hour. Subscribe to her magazines, watch her TV shows, surprise your significant other with one of her adult novelty items. Though this course of action might be distasteful, it is the only way we can help Martha defend her company from Ashcroft's power play. Martha Stewart may be a vaguely creepy, mean-spirited bitch... but she's OUR creepy, mean-spirited bitch. Allowing John Ashcroft to take her place would most definitely NOT be a Good Thing.

Posted by scola at 03:21 AM | Comments (0)