April 05, 2004

When Zombies Attack

Americans LOVE zombies. And who can blame them? Perhaps nothing represents the day-to-day existence of average Americans better than a swarm of mindless, foul-smelling, bloodthirsty zombies. Even so, the walking dead are a tribe most people would prefer to admire from a distance. Sure, most of us enjoy watching zombies in horror movies and anchoring Fox News broadcasts, but no one wants to encounter one in real life. And now, with the recent popularity of films such as 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead, and The Passion of the Christ, many concerned citizens find themselves asking this question:

Could it happen here?

Yes it could.

It could happen tomorrow. It could happen next week. It could be happening RIGHT NOW, but you're too busy screwing around on the internet to even notice! Be warned: At any moment, Planet Earth could become overrun with marauding armies of undead. If this happens... WHEN this happens, will you be prepared?

Probably not. Most people don't know the first thing about ZAPP (Zombie Attack Preparation Protocol). Fortunately for you, we're not most people. Read on to learn how you can protect yourself, your family, and your collection of dirty Japanese comic books from the zombie hordes.

The first thing you will need to do is learn what tactics WON'T help you during a zombie attack. For instance, when a mob of undead come clawing at the door, many Americans might fall to their knees, praying to God. Not very smart! Not only does prayer eat up critical time that could be better spent kicking zombie ass, but it is also an exercise in futility. Seriously, if God still cared about you, would He have allowed the dead to walk the earth? Not likely! Ben Franklin once wrote, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Well, zombies are like the opposite of beer: they are proof that God hates us and wants us to be eaten by zombies. Believe me, when the day of reckoning arrives, a few last minute prayers aren't going to change His mind. You're screwed, get used to it.

Therefore, we move on to Plan B: the aforementioned Zombie Ass-Kicking. At this point, many of you might be feeling pretty smug. Perhaps you are among those who have spent years training your body and mind in the ways of Martial Arts. Maybe you've got a black belt in Tae Kwan Dao. Possibly you've become a master of Aikido. People like you have been waiting for this moment all your lives - an opportunity to unleash your deadly skills on wave after wave of loathsome opponents. Sounds like fun... too bad Kung Fu doesn't work on the undead! Have you ever actually seen a ninja kick a zombie's ass? No, you haven't - and there's a very good reason for that. Zombies don't feel pain, they don't have "pressure points," and their strength comes not from muscles and joints, but from the darkest of magical energies. Nothing you learned in Karate class applies to the undead; punching and kicking at them is only going to GET YOU EATEN.

So... what will help you protect yourself against zombies? Guns. Lots of guns. But not just any guns... if you intend to square off against the undead, you're going to need firearms with serious stopping power. Remember: you're not Chow Yun-Fat and this isn't a rap video - leave the small caliber stuff at home. For good reason, the most popular anti-zombie weapon in the world is the humble shotgun. Sawed-off or otherwise, nothing can beat the ol' boomstick in terms of short range killing power. Also, the shotgun is very easy to aim, making it an ideal choice for any children in your post-apocalyptic survival party. If you're looking for something with a little more range and ammo capacity, we recommend you find yourself a fully automatic assault rifle. You can probably find one at Wal-Mart. M-16, AK-47, Galil ARM - it's all good. Just be sure to get the biggest clip size possible for your weapon of choice. Zombies are an impatient lot, and may not be willing to let you call "time out" every time you need to reload.

In addition to guns, you should be sure to keep a few cans of gasoline available for zombie related emergencies. Gasoline can be sprayed on large groups of advancing brain-eaters, allowing you to set them ablaze (a tactic that is generally proceeded by Running Like Hell). Additionally, gasoline will keep your vehicle fueled and ready, allowing you to take out zombies by running them over. Alternately, I suppose you could use the fuel to drive AWAY from the zombies. Whatever works for you.

In closing, we would remind you that the walking dead represent a grave and very real threat to your health and safety... just as real as the dangers presented by Vampires, Werewolves, Leprechauns and the Liberal Media. Be prepared... or be zombie food!

Posted by scola at 03:00 AM | Comments (18)