November 02, 2004

Voting - Don't Believe the HYPE

In the United States, today is Election Day. For months, American citizens have been bombarded with campaign ads, political posters and 24 hour media coverage of the race. As usual, the election has proven extremely decisive - on just about every meaningful issue the country seems to be split straight down the middle. In fact, just about the only thing that everyone in this country seems to agree on is that all eligible citizens have a duty to go to the polls and "make their voices heard". Republicans, Democrats - even members of those adorable third parties that provide comic relief on the ballot - everyone agrees that you should get off your fat ass and vote.

Circling the Square respectfully disagrees.

Certainly, there were times when voting was a not-so-unreasonable thing to do. For a long stretch of time, voting was freaking awesome - the one chance the teeming masses got to influence the future of their country. I've heard tell that as late as 1996, voting still had a modest effect on the political circumstances of the the nation. But the debacle of the 2000 election simply drove home the point that anarchofeminist Emma Goldman made decades ago: "If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal." America is currently controlled by tyrants: secretive, paranoid, greedy madmen willing to do anything to protect their power. In the history of the world, no tyrant has ever been voted out of power. If you want to end a tyrant's "term of office" you have to vote the old fashioned way - by storming the bastard's fortress, dragging him out into the street, and hanging him from a lamppost. Flipping a few levers around ain't gonna get the job done.

Come on, people... too many powerful people have spent way too much money establishing the status quo to allow something as stupid as "an election" to change anything! Every vote doesn't count. NONE OF THE VOTES COUNT. To be clear, we are not saying that the election is going to be rigged. Rather, the results of this election were settled months ago in a back room by a handful of horrible old men - just as surely as the winners of the World Series and American Idol were determined the same way. Elections, and the multimillion dollar campaigns that precede them are nothing more than bad theater - an elaborate show intended to convince citizens that they still have some tiny control over the process. They don't.

While it's clear that voting isn't going to change anything... some may choose to do it anyway. It may not do any good, but they may wonder "how could it do any harm?" Lots of ways! There could be hypnotic mind control lasers in the voting booths, they might have installed DNA collection plates on the levers for future genetic ID databases. Voting might be harmless, but who knows for sure? All we know is that anything that Ted Nugent, P-Diddy, and Ashlee Simpson all want us to do can't possibly be good.


Ashlee provides more lip service for democracy

However, if you decide to throw caution to the wind and vote, there is plenty of fun you can have at a polling site. Write-in voting remains a grand American tradition. While Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck have been the most popular write-in candidates over the years, beware of hyper-aggressive Disney intellectual property lawyers who might sue you for unauthorized use of their characters. Fortunately, old chestnuts such as "Hugh G. Rection", "I. P. Freely," and "Ben Wackenhoff" are in the public domain. Use them with pride!

Posted by scola at 02:42 AM | Comments (2)