January 18, 2005

"Kill Yourself For Jesus"

From time to time, CtS will utilize the Google search engine to scope out various phrases that relate to matters of national and international importance. The phrase quoted above yielded only seven results - none of them were of particular interest. What was interesting was the "Sponsored Link" that Google inserted along with the search results:


We, the CtS editorial staff, are a group of card-carrying know-it-alls, and we do enjoy a good test! Especially a test such as this, that allows us to find the "answers". Most tests demand that we - the test takers - provide all the answers, but this test generously bestows answers upon us. It just doesn't get any better than this! Click this link, won't you, so we can all take this test together.

Q1. Do you believe in God?

Asking the around the room, we find our staffers are more or less evenly divided between not believing in God, and believing in God, but only in an angry, vengeful God that pretty much has it in for all of us. As such, we select "no".

Q2. To you, who is Jesus?

A simple question, with a simple answer. Jesus, of course, was an extra terrestrial sent to earth to spiritually prepare humanity for an eventual "harvesting", in which the souls of all humans (living and dead) will be absorbed into the alien uber-consciousness. Strangely, this answer is not among the three choices offered in the test! Among the three available options, we figure "A prophet" is the closest to the truth, so we choose that.

Q3. How do you know?

Whoa! Talk about the proverbial curveball out of left field! One minute the test seems to be about our religious beliefs, then - without any warning - we get smacked in the head with that most basic of epistemological questions: How do we Know? At this point, several CtS staffers are offering to drag out their post-graduate philosophy theses, but every time that happens, we spend the rest of the week arguing (and drinking). Therefore, as a time saver, we will just click the "I'm not sure" response and move on to the next question.

Q4. If you were wrong, would you want to know?

A yes or no question, and an easy one to answer. On those rare occasions in which we are mistaken, it is crucially important that we realize our errors and correct them immediately. As eternal seekers of Truth, we have little choice but to respond in the affirmative, clicking on the "yes" link. Interestingly, this selections leads us away from philosophy, and back to religion. We are now faced with a series of questions which quote biblical scripture, then ask us to consider the meaning of that particular excerpt. For instance:

Q5. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 The Scripture means:

Since one of our editors is a (failed) divinity student, we defer to her when she assures us that the verse means "All have sinned" - which happens to be one of the three available responses.

Q6. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23-7:1. This Scripture means:

OK, we know a trick question when we see one. Whenever, on a multiple choice exam, you are allowed to choose "I am God" as your answer, DO IT! If you are God, then you are omniscient, and therefore, infallible. As such, all of the other questions on the test that you might have answered incorrectly - those questions, ipso facto, can no longer be marked wrong, because God cannot be wrong! However, when we attempt to choose "I am God" as our response, we are sent to this page, which curtly tells us to reread the question. As instructed, we reread the question... and again determine that the appropriate response is "I am God". Not surprisingly, clicking that link just sends us back to the page that tells us to reconsider. Reluctantly, we now select the first response, "Though my sin separates me from God, God will restore me through Jesus Christ." Though none of us are satisfied with this answer, it seems to be the only one that will continue the test.

Q7. Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6. This Scripture means:

Well, I suppose if Jesus has exclusive access to God, we have no choice but to choose "Jesus is the only path to God" - especially since the other options merely lead us to more pages that tell us to reread the question.

Q8. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. 3:16. This Scripture means:

For this question, we are only given two options: "I will not perish if I believe in Jesus." or "I'm doomed". HELLO... we are Circling the Square, we've only been telling people that they are DOOMED for TEN FREAKING YEARS NOW! Obviously, all these biblical quotes were intended to guide readers to the same conclusion that we had all reached many years ago: that we are all doomed. With confidence, we clicked the "I'm doomed" link, expecting to see a message from the site creators commending our test taking ability. Instead, our web browser loaded this, another infuriating page telling us to reread the question.

It is at this point that we must discontinue the test. Anyone who would dangle correct answers before us, only to try to make us feel stupid when we select them - these are people who cannot possibly be seekers of Truth. The only test CtS need pass is the test of time.

Posted by scola at 02:39 AM | Comments (3)