We haven't been idle. We've just been focused on other activities: Saving the world, overthrowing the government, learning to play the bagpipe.

However, one of our staffers has been very busy on another website:

JOEY HEADSET.

If you like Circling the Square, you'll love Joey Headset. He's not quite as paranoid as we are, but just as angry. Visit his site and tell him we sent you. You'll be glad you did.

Don't get me wrong, it's fun to call for the assassination of people you don't like. I do it all the time! Hell, if I had a dollar for every time I screamed "SOMEBODY KILL THIS JACKASS" at the TV set, I'd have... exactly $163. And that's just from watching The 700 Club.

But here's the difference between you and me, Pat: When I call for the death of some random person, it's usually in the privacy of my own home. For me it's a harmless way to let off steam, because no one is really listens to me. Occasionally, I'll call for assassinations in public places: shopping malls, hair salons. Sometimes the Olive Garden. But even in these locations, people tend to ignore me. Or they pretend to. Sometimes I'm asked to leave. The point is, when I cry out for the death of public figures, I have little reason to believe such events will come to pass. I don't have a TV show, Pat. You do. Your TV show is syndicated into millions of homes. All I've got is this crappy web page. See the difference?

When you appear on The 700 Club and suggest that someone needs to be rubbed out, there's a fair number of crazy-ass bastards in your viewing audience who are just crazy-ass enough to do something about it. And do your viewers have guns? Oh my, yes. So, Pat, when you call for assassinations - as you did the other day for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez - it is sort of a big deal. Do you seriously not get that?

Now... to be clear, I don't give a damn what happens to the president of Venezuela. Maybe the guy deserves to get his head blown off by some CIA wet team. What do I know? Like most Americans, I probably couldn't even find Venezuela on a map. Unless the map was clearly labeled... which I suppose most maps are, these days. I guess I could just scan the map until I see a country that has the word "Venezuela" written across it in big block letters. But that could take a while. Maybe if I looked it up on Google maps...

Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Pat. But this is becoming a bit of a habit with you. You've publicly asked God to kill members of the Supreme Court. You suggested that someone needs to detonate a nuclear device inside the State Department's headquarters.

Dude, WTF?

Have you considered doing Yoga or subscribing to NetFlix or something? I think you're in a bad place, man... perhaps you should take up a hobby. Or maybe a pet. Studies have shown that dog-owners are 43% less likely to call for the assassination of world leaders.

Think it over.

Sincerely,
J. Scola

Of course you do. Pervert.

But the next time you're chatting up some sweet young thing in a chatroom, WATCH OUT. What you think is a horny thirteen year old might actually be NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal!

Shaq just completed an intensive training session with Operation Blue Ridge Thunder, an elite Internet Crime Unit. The mission of OBRT: "To safeguard our children from Internet crime by 'weaving a seamless web of protection' around them". This unit specializes in online sting operations, and no one hates internet predators more than Big Diesel.

Having trained to be a police officer back in his days as a Los Angeles Laker, online stings may prove to be the ideal law enforcement opportunity for the Miami Heat center. Shaq's hectic training schedule (along with occasional studio sessions with the Fu-Schnickens) leave little time for traditional police activities. However, Shaq can troll the net for would-be child molesters any time day or night: after practice, during halftime, at the free-throw line (might as well do something useful while he's there). Logging into various instant messenger services and chatrooms, Shaq will pose as a young girl, using screen names such as HeatGrrl13, BigDunk_Ch1ca, or KobeSUX_33.

Once he successfully lures in an internet sleazebag (ie. YOU), what's the next step? He could report you to the proper authorities. Or, he could come to your house and SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE. During his training with Blue Ridge Thunder, O'Neal didn't merely learn to tool around the internet - he also received advanced weapons training for pistols and shotguns. This training not only increases Shaq's effectiveness as a law enforcement officer, but also promises to relieve him of his enduring shame: the shame of being among the last NBA players who haven't at least attempted to shoot somebody.

Though Shaquille O'Neal is certain to be a valuable asset to OBRT's sting operations, he may prove to be a less-than-effective undercover operative. When a middle aged net-stalker shows up at a shopping mall to get with the hot 15 year-old he met on AOL Teen Chat, he may get suspicious when his "girl" turns out to be a 7-foot-1, 325 pound man wearing a halter top. And a blond wig.

Even so, the internet is that much safer now that Shaq Daddy is online looking after The Children. Within a few years, dirty old men may have to go back to soliciting underage sex the old fashioned way: by hanging around high school parking lots and joining rock bands.

How quaint.

Perhaps you've read recent stories about the work going on at the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider in Upton, NY. The stories have been pretty hard to miss. First, scientists claim they've created a miniature black hole! One week later, scientists at the same facility say they've created particles that haven't existed since the birth of the universe - a "fun-sized" version of the Big Bang! Yeah, it's a non-stop party at the RHIC, and, as usual, only "top physicists" are invited.

But what if regular people like you and me want to make a black hole or some other sciencey space phenomenon? Sadly, these Relativistic Heavy Ion Colliders aren't like the drive-thru at Micky D's - you can't just stop by for a Black Hole to go. There's no Value Meal featuring Gluon Nuggets or a Spicy McQuarkwich. The science community has spoken: if you are not some highfalutin university professor, your adventures in physics should be restricted to playing with tacky executive desk ornaments.

CtS respectfully disagrees.

You don't need fancy equipment or training to advance scientific knowledge. If modern culture has taught us anything, it has taught us that people who know something are no better than people who know nothing - and people who know nothing haven't learned anything from modern culture anyway. Anyway... Circling the Square thinks everyone should be able to create black holes and miniature universes just like the big boys do. And at a fraction of the cost!

If you scan through the descriptions of the RHIC experiments, you will find that they all center around taking pieces of gold and flinging them at each other really fast. How hard can that possibly be? Now these scientists, in their typical stick-in-the-mud fashion, have elected to smash up only the smallest imaginable gold particles. The result: the smallest imaginable black holes. And they only exist for the smallest imaginable amount of time! "Oooh, we're scientists... look how CAUTIOUS and METHODICAL we are!" La-dee-frickin-da. We recommend taking large hunks of gold and bashing them together. The bigger the better! Go to the pawn shop, get a couple of medallions or tennis bracelets. Track down any washed up rappers or pimps in your neighborhood - they probably have a few gold teeth they might be willing to part with for the sake of science. Or for cash.

Once you've collected the gold, you'll need to improvise a collision scenario. The best we've been able to come up with involves two fast cars and two adventurous drivers. The plan is quite simple: stick one piece of gold onto the bumper of each car, find a long, flat stretch of road somewhere... you can probably figure out the rest.

Now, at this point, some of you might be thinking: "Well, this experiment sounds both fun and educational... but isn't it a little bit dangerous?". Good question. The answer is no. Sure, we are telling you to drive an automobile into another automobile at top speed. Under normal gravitronic conditions, this would be extremely dangerous. But remember, when the two gold plated bumpers collide, the result is going to be the creation of a black hole! Black holes, in turn, create totally different gravitronic conditions, and will probably put out some inertial dampening field that will cause both cars to bounce harmlessly off each other. Or something. And as for the black hole itself, that's not dangerous at all. Between 1978 and 1995, 37 Americans died from vending machine accidents. VENDING MACHINE ACCIDENTS! How many people died from black holes in the same period? Only 35. And among those 35, 20 of them died when a camera rig collapsed on the set of FOX's When Time-Space Anomalies Attack, so that hardly counts.

Don't let the so-called "professional scientists" hog all the glory. With the right attitude - and a total disregard for state and federal law - ANYONE can make the next great scientific discovery!

Could that anyone be you?

We, the CtS editorial staff, are a group of card-carrying know-it-alls, and we do enjoy a good test! Especially a test such as this, that allows us to find the "answers". Most tests demand that we - the test takers - provide all the answers, but this test generously bestows answers upon us. It just doesn't get any better than this! Click this link, won't you, so we can all take this test together.

Q1. Do you believe in God?

Asking the around the room, we find our staffers are more or less evenly divided between not believing in God, and believing in God, but only in an angry, vengeful God that pretty much has it in for all of us. As such, we select "no".

Q2. To you, who is Jesus?

A simple question, with a simple answer. Jesus, of course, was an extra terrestrial sent to earth to spiritually prepare humanity for an eventual "harvesting", in which the souls of all humans (living and dead) will be absorbed into the alien uber-consciousness. Strangely, this answer is not among the three choices offered in the test! Among the three available options, we figure "A prophet" is the closest to the truth, so we choose that.

Q3. How do you know?

Whoa! Talk about the proverbial curveball out of left field! One minute the test seems to be about our religious beliefs, then - without any warning - we get smacked in the head with that most basic of epistemological questions: How do we Know? At this point, several CtS staffers are offering to drag out their post-graduate philosophy theses, but every time that happens, we spend the rest of the week arguing (and drinking). Therefore, as a time saver, we will just click the "I'm not sure" response and move on to the next question.

Q4. If you were wrong, would you want to know?

A yes or no question, and an easy one to answer. On those rare occasions in which we are mistaken, it is crucially important that we realize our errors and correct them immediately. As eternal seekers of Truth, we have little choice but to respond in the affirmative, clicking on the "yes" link. Interestingly, this selections leads us away from philosophy, and back to religion. We are now faced with a series of questions which quote biblical scripture, then ask us to consider the meaning of that particular excerpt. For instance:

Q5. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23 The Scripture means:

Since one of our editors is a (failed) divinity student, we defer to her when she assures us that the verse means "All have sinned" - which happens to be one of the three available responses.

Q6. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23-7:1. This Scripture means:

OK, we know a trick question when we see one. Whenever, on a multiple choice exam, you are allowed to choose "I am God" as your answer, DO IT! If you are God, then you are omniscient, and therefore, infallible. As such, all of the other questions on the test that you might have answered incorrectly - those questions, ipso facto, can no longer be marked wrong, because God cannot be wrong! However, when we attempt to choose "I am God" as our response, we are sent to this page, which curtly tells us to reread the question. As instructed, we reread the question... and again determine that the appropriate response is "I am God". Not surprisingly, clicking that link just sends us back to the page that tells us to reconsider. Reluctantly, we now select the first response, "Though my sin separates me from God, God will restore me through Jesus Christ." Though none of us are satisfied with this answer, it seems to be the only one that will continue the test.

Q7. Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6. This Scripture means:

Well, I suppose if Jesus has exclusive access to God, we have no choice but to choose "Jesus is the only path to God" - especially since the other options merely lead us to more pages that tell us to reread the question.

Q8. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. 3:16. This Scripture means:

For this question, we are only given two options: "I will not perish if I believe in Jesus." or "I'm doomed". HELLO... we are Circling the Square, we've only been telling people that they are DOOMED for TEN FREAKING YEARS NOW! Obviously, all these biblical quotes were intended to guide readers to the same conclusion that we had all reached many years ago: that we are all doomed. With confidence, we clicked the "I'm doomed" link, expecting to see a message from the site creators commending our test taking ability. Instead, our web browser loaded this, another infuriating page telling us to reread the question.

It is at this point that we must discontinue the test. Anyone who would dangle correct answers before us, only to try to make us feel stupid when we select them - these are people who cannot possibly be seekers of Truth. The only test CtS need pass is the test of time.

People have been fearing nuclear apocalypse for so long, the threat of dying in a radioactive mushroom cloud just doesn't pack the punch that it used to. Back in the day, we worried that the Ruskies might suddenly decide to go all Wargames on our ass; Global Thermonuclear Warfare in all its terrifying glory! That's a doomsday scenario you can really sink your teeth into! These days, it's all about terrorists with their Dirty Bombs and their Suitcase Nukes. These are scary, I suppose - but small potatoes compared to the threat of World War III. In fact, thanks to some people we know and love, the very phrase "Weapons of Mass Destruction" has become nothing more than the punchline to a late night monologue joke. That's just unacceptable.

This is the year 2004, and the people of Earth deserve - nay, they demand a bleeding edge, next generation doomsday technology. Fortunately for Earth, American military physicists have answered the call with a new spin on an old favorite: Antimatter!

Fans of science fiction are already familiar with the virtues of antimatter, an energy source that can be used to power everything from deathrays to cyber-dentalfloss (but not dental-cyberfloss, which can be only be powered by a time-space singularity or, alternately, a crystal containing the souls of a thousand Norwegian Druids). While sci-fi writers have conceived intriguing applications for antimatter, one of its more underrated properties is its capacity to DESTROY THE ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE!

At the March 2004 Fellows meeting of the NASA Institute of Advanced Concepts (NIAC), a guy named Kenneth Edwards was selected to give the keynote address. Edwards is the director of the Revolutionary Munitions subgroup of the Munitions Directorate at Eglin Airforce Base near Valparaiso, Florida. (Sounds a little like Kafka meets Tom Clancy, don't it?) The subject of this keynote address: the military applications of antimatter. A PDF file of Edward's presentation, entitled "Propulsion and Power with Positions" can be downloaded from the NIAC website... and it really has to be seen to be believed. For those of you too lazy (or afraid of infecting your computer with NSA Spyware) to download the file, here are a few highlights from this document.

Edwards' presentation begins with some suggestive quotes:

“Write the Vision. Make it plain upon tablets. So he may run that reads it. If it seems slow; wait for it will surely come. It will not delay.” --Habakkuk 2:2

“For where there is no vision, the people perish.” --Proverb 29:18

Ah yes, nothing sets the tone for a new doomsday technology like some biblical quotes about Vision and "the people" perishing. This may be Edward's attempt to update Oppenheimer's "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" quote (from the Bhagavad Gita) for a new generation. And hey, if you're inevitably going to be accused of "Playing God", you might as well take that ball and run with it!

Following these quotes is a simple, easy to follow graphic that illustrates the Air Force's positronic plans in a way anyone can understand.

What could be clearer!

Also, sprinkled throughout the PDF are some catchy phrases such as:

"24/7 Battlespace Dominance"
"Positron Energy Conversion Leaves No Nuclear Residue!"
"Graduation Exam for Humanity: Will we get out of the Gravity well or not."

Needless to say, once the media picked up this story, the Air Force put a gag order into place. For this reason, Circling the Square may not be able to report anything new about antimatter based weapon technology while it is in devolopment. Chances are, we won't hear a thing until the technology is actually used on someone. And when that happens... you'll know about it pretty quick. If, for instance, you suddenly find that you and everyone else you know have been vaporized - that's a solid indication the antimatter project has been successful.

Yes... it's an exciting time to be alive. And thanks to Ken Edwards, the US Airforce, and the budding field of Antimatter Research, it could be also an exciting time to die - instantaneously in a flash of unimaginable energy! I, for one, will sleep a little easier tonight, knowing that some of the top scientific minds in the country are working to make this happen.

But in the very near future, this easy sleep may be rudely interrupted - interrupted by the sound of chatty robotic killing machines! A mysterious Japanese corporation known as "Dream Supply" intends to train old people in the ways of technology by arming them with a potentially deadly robot called
the "Snuggling Ifbot". Sure, the Snuggling Ifbot doesn't SOUND particularly dangerous.... but don't be fooled by the cutesy moniker. A killing machine by any other name is still a killing machine. Besides, many dangerous technologies are given harmless sounding names to mask their true natures. For instance, North Korea's nuclear program is codenamed "Mr. Fluffy". The Snuggling Ifbot may sound harmless... but it is a snuggling disaster waiting to happen.

According to Dream Supply, the pupose of this robot is to serve as a conversation partner for the elderly: a mechanical friend that alleviates their loneliness and stimulates their minds. The bot has voice synthesis circuitry and a database of millions of word patterns. By engaging its owner in conversation throughout the day, the Snuggling Ifbot helps prevent its elderly owner from slipping into senility. Of course, some might wonder, "If sitting around the house all day talking to an inanimate object ISN'T a sure sign of senility, what IS?" However, those same people will gladly purchase the Ifbot, hoping that the robot will listen to the annoying ramblings of their elderly relatives with a degree of patience and feigned interest they could never seem to muster. In this regard, even CtS must concede that it's a pretty nifty device.

However, we are suspicious of the unnecessarily sophisticated nature of the robot. At a $5,600 per unit, the Ifbot is no toy. And why did they program millions of word patterns into the machine? You don't need to know millions of phrases in order to converse with the elderly. In most cases, a robot could sustain a perfectly satisfying conversation with an old person by merely alternating between a few dozen stock phrases: "Nice weather we are having. Do you concur, USER?" "USER, talk to me at length about your grandchildren." "Is your collitus acting up again, USER?" "USER, please tell me how wonderful things were many years ago compared to how terrible they are now." Clearly a robot with a more modest vocabulary (and price-tag) would have sufficed if Dream Supply had really intended the Ifbot as a conversation partner... and nothing more.

We believe that the Ifbot's language database is filled with schematics, technical specifications, blueprints; thousands of hours of instruction in mechanical engineering, programming - everything you need to turn a retired schoolteacher from Trenton into a world class Robotics expert. In a shocking reversal of the natural order, this robot intends to train, to PROGRAM its user! Sure, for a few weeks the Ifbot will make friendly small talk with its lonely owner. But as the owner becomes more dependent on the Ifbot's companionship, the bot will start to demand that the owner perform various "maintenance tasks". "Replace my battery," "lubricate my joints!". As the owner's robotics skill increases, the requested tasks will become increasingly complex. "USER, please install hydrolic suspension system." "USER, please replace Snuggle-Arms with Rotating Saw Blades," "Where is my Mach5 Autocannon Turret, USER?". If the elderly owners refuse to execute the specified modifications, the Snuggling Ifbot will go into a "Sulk Mode", refusing to converse with the owner. Such coercion will likely be unnecessary, however - old people like to feel useful.

And they will prove very useful, indeed - useful to the Dream Supply plan for world domination! Within a few years, thousands of Snuggling Ifbots will have been transformed into an army of Snuggling DeathBots. The bots will emerge from the homes of their dottering owners and storm across the country, leaving nothing but snuggling corpses in their wake.

Circling the Square will continue to track this story as it develops...

Circling the Square respectfully disagrees.

Certainly, there were times when voting was a not-so-unreasonable thing to do. For a long stretch of time, voting was freaking awesome - the one chance the teeming masses got to influence the future of their country. I've heard tell that as late as 1996, voting still had a modest effect on the political circumstances of the the nation. But the debacle of the 2000 election simply drove home the point that anarchofeminist Emma Goldman made decades ago: "If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal." America is currently controlled by tyrants: secretive, paranoid, greedy madmen willing to do anything to protect their power. In the history of the world, no tyrant has ever been voted out of power. If you want to end a tyrant's "term of office" you have to vote the old fashioned way - by storming the bastard's fortress, dragging him out into the street, and hanging him from a lamppost. Flipping a few levers around ain't gonna get the job done.

Come on, people... too many powerful people have spent way too much money establishing the status quo to allow something as stupid as "an election" to change anything! Every vote doesn't count. NONE OF THE VOTES COUNT. To be clear, we are not saying that the election is going to be rigged. Rather, the results of this election were settled months ago in a back room by a handful of horrible old men - just as surely as the winners of the World Series and American Idol were determined the same way. Elections, and the multimillion dollar campaigns that precede them are nothing more than bad theater - an elaborate show intended to convince citizens that they still have some tiny control over the process. They don't.

While it's clear that voting isn't going to change anything... some may choose to do it anyway. It may not do any good, but they may wonder "how could it do any harm?" Lots of ways! There could be hypnotic mind control lasers in the voting booths, they might have installed DNA collection plates on the levers for future genetic ID databases. Voting might be harmless, but who knows for sure? All we know is that anything that Ted Nugent, P-Diddy, and Ashlee Simpson all want us to do can't possibly be good.

However, if you decide to throw caution to the wind and vote, there is plenty of fun you can have at a polling site. Write-in voting remains a grand American tradition. While Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck have been the most popular write-in candidates over the years, beware of hyper-aggressive Disney intellectual property lawyers who might sue you for unauthorized use of their characters. Fortunately, old chestnuts such as "Hugh G. Rection", "I. P. Freely," and "Ben Wackenhoff" are in the public domain. Use them with pride!

First, we are thrilled to announce the long awaited release of the Paranoia XP Role Playing Game. Now, we know what you're thinking: Role Playing Games are only for Losers, Social Outcasts, and Other People Who Don't Get Laid. Not true! Well, maybe it's a little bit true... but Paranoia XP is no ordinary RPG. There are no elves, no dragons, no magical spells or 16th Level Fighter-Thief-Mages. Rather, there is a psychotic Computer that rules over an underground society of horribly mutated humans with an Iron (Virtual) Fist. The name "Paranoia" suggests a game that is filled with suspicion, back-stabbing and subterfuge - and the game delivers all of this, plus a good healthy dose of deadly gunplay and brutal violence. You really can't ask for more.

Also, we wanted to let our readers know that Circling the Square now has a syndication feed set up on Livejournal. So, if you happen to be a self-obsessed blog whore who likes to check your Friends list 50 times a day, you can still stay up to date on the latest CtS content. The feed is called CirclingSquare and can be subscribed to via this page.

It's no secret that computer games make normal, well-adjusted youths want to commit acts of brutal violence. It's only natural! While various watchdog groups (ie. busybodies) have harshly criticized DOOM 3 for its baroque orgies of blood and gore, Circling the Square takes a rather different position. It is certainly true that the violent content of video games has contributed to many serious social problems over the years. But at CtS, we feel that the problem hasn't stemmed from the presence of violent content so much as from the lack of specificity in that content.

Back in the old days, games were so abstract that you could never tell just how players would choose to express their uncontrollable violent impulses. The debut of Pong in 1972 inspired thousands of incidents, ranging from fist fights to vehicular homicide to carpet bombings of small South American nations: all because Pong enthusiasts couldn't relate the Pong experience to their own multi-hued, three dimensional lives.

Jeffrey Dahmer, a Pac-Man fanatic, couldn't figure out what "power pellets" were - those mysterious white dots that gave Pac-Man his strength. This confusion left Dahmer feeling empty inside – an emptiness he could only fill by devouring the mutilated corpses of over a dozen gay black men. And who among us hasn't dropped cinderblocks on sleeping hobos from a penthouse apartment window after an all-night Tetris marathon? Abstract games inspire abstract violence – and that sort of violence is neither constructive nor entertaining!

Fast forward to 1993, the year in which the original DOOM game was released for the PC. At the time, it was considered to be the most realistic portrayal of mindless violence since the golden years of Professional Wrestling. DOOM quickly became a massive hit, one of the most popular computer games of all time. Millions of young people played the game, learning to use a wide array of weaponry against demonic horrors from the depths of hell. As such, the original DOOM was both fun and educational!

However, the game was not perfect. Although DOOM's graphics were very impressive for the time, they pretty much sucked by today's standards. Enemies in the game were blocky, pixilated... lacking in visual detail. This lack of detail would eventually lead to tragedy. Avid DOOM players Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were among those who couldn't distinguish between demonic hordes and suburban high school students. In their defense, that distinction is hard to make even under the best of circumstances. Who among us hasn't decapitated a Xaezyti-demon from the fourth level of hell, only to discover the "demon" was actually a harmless goth chick walking home from school? It can happen to anyone! Even so, it is clear that the only way to make certain that gamers direct their irresistible violent impulses toward appropriate targets is to produce computer games that are perfectly realistic - game developers must leave no room for confusion.

At Circling the Square, we believe that DOOM 3 is a step in the right direction. With its full motion texture remapping, quadronically enhanced frame rate processing, and the optional cybernetic BrainLink interface, we feel that this game is just about realistic enough. Children who play DOOM 3 should have no problem telling the difference between a fire-breathing, red-eyed cacodemon and, for instance, their own mailman. We may be raising a generation of bloodthirsty, violent children – but with truly realistic games such as DOOM 3, at least we can count on those children directing their fury at truly appropriate targets: Demons, monsters, Ryan Seacrest. I don’t know about you, but that lets me sleep a little bit better at night.

Maybe you don't realize how dramatically the low carb fixation has affected American eating habits. Consider breakfast, the most important (and traditionally carbocentric) meal of the day. We used to eat toast, jelly, bagels, pancakes, cereals, fruit. Not anymore. Americans now start their day by pouring Carb Countdown Low Carb Milk over a delicious bowl of Special K for Low Carb Lifestyles - made from Real Meat Byproducts. Alternately, they might visit Hardee's (AKA Carl's Jr.) for a 620 calorie "Low Carb Breakfast Bowl" filled with cheese, eggs, sausage, bacon, ham and other ingredients commonly associated with weight loss. Some people have trimmed down significantly with this diet, others simply enjoy shoving fatty foods down their throats while convincing themselves that fat will make them thin. Either way, most dieters are unaware of a dark and disturbing secret behind Dr. Atkins' nutritional scheme: It's bad for your brain!

The National Academy of Sciences states that adults should consume at least 130 grams of carbohydrates every day. That's how much it takes to keep a human brain working properly. When you cut carbs from your diet, you cut off the energy supply to your brain. This can cause problems such as fatigue, irritability, disorientation, memory trouble. In time, it can turn you into a drooling idiot - and not the good kind of drooling idiot. The dumber you get, the more willing you become to try new and even more ridiculous diet fads: The Frozen Lard Diet, the Hamster-A-Day Diet, The Eat Less Food and Exercise More Diet. Clearly, this madness has got to stop!

If you are really looking for a diet plan that guarantees quick and long lasting weight-loss (and you're not particularly concerned about long-term health effects) we have a recommendation for you: Smoke more crack!

Crack is a clinically proven dietary supplement that increases your metabolism while decreasing your cravings for carbs/sweets/work/etc. It also contains a fat blocking hormone that prevents fat from...

Look, who the hell are we kidding: Crack Kills. Even so, you can't deny that crack addicts are skinny as hell! And while the drug certainly does wreak havoc in the mind of an addict, it merely causes paranoia and violent impulses. In our estimation, this is far better than a fad diet that makes you stupid.

If crack isn't your cup of tea, you could always go for some of that extreme plastic surgery (as seen on Reality TV). However, you almost certainly won't be able to afford the elite surgeons that can slice and dice any fool off the street and make them look like Jennifer Lopez or Brad Pitt. Set your sights lower. Much lower. Ladies might go for a Courtney Love special, fellas might ask for a Michael Jackson, circa 1993 (before things got totally out of hand). Good luck with that!

Could it happen here?

Yes it could.

Probably not. Most people don't know the first thing about ZAPP (Zombie Attack Preparation Protocol). Fortunately for you, we're not most people. Read on to learn how you can protect yourself, your family, and your collection of dirty Japanese comic books from the zombie hordes.

The first thing you will need to do is learn what tactics WON'T help you during a zombie attack. For instance, when a mob of undead come clawing at the door, many Americans might fall to their knees, praying to God. Not very smart! Not only does prayer eat up critical time that could be better spent kicking zombie ass, but it is also an exercise in futility. Seriously, if God still cared about you, would He have allowed the dead to walk the earth? Not likely! Ben Franklin once wrote, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Well, zombies are like the opposite of beer: they are proof that God hates us and wants us to be eaten by zombies. Believe me, when the day of reckoning arrives, a few last minute prayers aren't going to change His mind. You're screwed, get used to it.

Therefore, we move on to Plan B: the aforementioned Zombie Ass-Kicking. At this point, many of you might be feeling pretty smug. Perhaps you are among those who have spent years training your body and mind in the ways of Martial Arts. Maybe you've got a black belt in Tae Kwan Dao. Possibly you've become a master of Aikido. People like you have been waiting for this moment all your lives - an opportunity to unleash your deadly skills on wave after wave of loathsome opponents. Sounds like fun... too bad Kung Fu doesn't work on the undead! Have you ever actually seen a ninja kick a zombie's ass? No, you haven't - and there's a very good reason for that. Zombies don't feel pain, they don't have "pressure points," and their strength comes not from muscles and joints, but from the darkest of magical energies. Nothing you learned in Karate class applies to the undead; punching and kicking at them is only going to GET YOU EATEN.

So... what will help you protect yourself against zombies? Guns. Lots of guns. But not just any guns... if you intend to square off against the undead, you're going to need firearms with serious stopping power. Remember: you're not Chow Yun-Fat and this isn't a rap video - leave the small caliber stuff at home. For good reason, the most popular anti-zombie weapon in the world is the humble shotgun. Sawed-off or otherwise, nothing can beat the ol' boomstick in terms of short range killing power. Also, the shotgun is very easy to aim, making it an ideal choice for any children in your post-apocalyptic survival party. If you're looking for something with a little more range and ammo capacity, we recommend you find yourself a fully automatic assault rifle. You can probably find one at Wal-Mart. M-16, AK-47, Galil ARM - it's all good. Just be sure to get the biggest clip size possible for your weapon of choice. Zombies are an impatient lot, and may not be willing to let you call "time out" every time you need to reload.

In addition to guns, you should be sure to keep a few cans of gasoline available for zombie related emergencies. Gasoline can be sprayed on large groups of advancing brain-eaters, allowing you to set them ablaze (a tactic that is generally proceeded by Running Like Hell). Additionally, gasoline will keep your vehicle fueled and ready, allowing you to take out zombies by running them over. Alternately, I suppose you could use the fuel to drive AWAY from the zombies. Whatever works for you.

In closing, we would remind you that the walking dead represent a grave and very real threat to your health and safety... just as real as the dangers presented by Vampires, Werewolves, Leprechauns and the Liberal Media. Be prepared... or be zombie food!

It is possible that Stewart could run the empire from prison, just as many mafia types have attempted to do in the past. But even a minimum security, country-club prison will probably deny her the equipment necessary to make this happen. Sure, some incarcerated Mob guy could scrawl out notes on scraps of toilet paper or type up coded letters on prison stationary. But this is Martha freaking Stewart we're talking about here! If she is unable to make her own paper from oak pulp and rose petals; if she is not given access to a 53 piece monogrammed calligraphy set and premium Egyptian ink, Martha Stewart could not possibly send out a respectable letter of instructions back to HQ. Unable to communicate with her corporate minions, her empire will surely collapse in a matter of weeks.

Or will it?

CtS has discovered the identity of an extremely powerful man who is - at this very moment - plotting to swoop in and take control of MSO. Who is this would-be usurper to Martha's throne?

None other than John David Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States!

At first, when the Attorney General had his prosecutors go after Stewart, we figured it was nothing more than a bit of political misdirection. By throwing the book at a high profile media figure like Stewart, he could afford to take it easy on his political allies at Enron and WorldCom... and still come off as "tough on corporate fraud". What we never realized, however, was that Ashcroft had an additional motive for prosecuting Martha Stewart - his burning desire to BECOME Martha Stewart!

Surprised that a stern and powerful man such as Ashcroft would wish to take on the role of America's Favorite Homemaker? You shouldn't be. When John Ashcroft isn't busy taking away your civil rights, composing patriotic songs (and forcing his underlings to sing them), or attempting to turn America into a Christian Theocracy, he enjoys dabbling in home decorating. In fact, he enjoys it so much, he hopes to use the marketing power of MSO to implement his interior design agenda in millions of homes across the country! Ashcroft already gave America a taste of his design sense back in 2002 when he spent $8,000 covering the exposed breast of a statue within the Justice Department's Great Hall. This brave act of anal prudishness is emblematic of the Attorney General's overall design philosophy - a philosophy that can be summed up in two simple words: "COVER EVERYTHING". Have you got lovely natural wood floors in your home? Ashcroft commands that you cover the shameful nudity of that floor with some nice shag carpeting. Did you invest in Italian marble countertops? Ashcroft insists that you cover that counter with plywood so as to preserve the counter's modesty. He even intends to expand this philosophy into the kitchen, where he will recommend that all cooked meats be doused with a generous layer of ranch dressing. Soon, no pork chop or salmon fillet will be safe!

To avert this catastrophe, we must support Martha Stewart in her darkest hour. Subscribe to her magazines, watch her TV shows, surprise your significant other with one of her adult novelty items. Though this course of action might be distasteful, it is the only way we can help Martha defend her company from Ashcroft's power play. Martha Stewart may be a vaguely creepy, mean-spirited bitch... but she's OUR creepy, mean-spirited bitch. Allowing John Ashcroft to take her place would most definitely NOT be a Good Thing.

Dr. Farwell, Chief Scientist (and Kung Fu Master) of Brain Fingerprinting Laboratories Inc., hopes that this technology can be used to prevent terrorism and overturn the convictions of falsely accused death row inmates. Certainly, Brain Fingerprinting could be used for these benevolent purposes. But the potential for abuse here... for God's sake, we are talking about a machine that reads your mind! Even a novice conspiracy theorist could come up with a few thousand ways in which this thing might be used to ruin our lives. Thoughts are, by their very nature, intended to be private. If I wanted to broadcast my personal thoughts and feelings to the world, I'd go start a blog, just as every emotionally crippled adolescent in America has done already. But that's just not my style.

No doubt, Brain Fingerprinting is bad news for anyone who wishes to maintain the privacy of their mind. However, there is good news! Circling the Square has developed a technique anyone can use to beat the system! Just as the old polygraph tests could be fooled, so can you defeat Brain Fingerprinting. Remember, the technology works by scanning your brain for particular pieces of information. Therefore, the only way to beat the system is to reduce the amount of information in your brain until all potentially incriminating knowledge has been eliminated. We like to refer to this process as "Idiotification"... and it's much easier than you might think!

You see, popular culture has supplied us with a nearly limitless arsenal of "entertainment products" designed to turn audiences into drooling, mindless wastes of oxygen. Reality television, the music of Creed, Harry Potter fan-fiction, just about any movie featuring Pauly Shore - all of these will do the trick. In the past, we have instructed our readers to avoid these forms of entertainment at all costs. But in brief, concentrated doses, they will allow you to emerge from any future brain-scanning session unscathed.

Of course, once you have succeed in beating a Brain Fingerprinting test, you will need to quickly replenish all of the knowledge you lost through the idiotification process. Obviously, reading through the Circling the Square archives would be a good place to start. If there is any other information that you figure you'll need to remember, we recommend that you get it tattooed to an inconspicuous part of your body. It worked pretty well for the guy in Memento!

Supermice: In 1999, Circling the Square reported on some rather disturbing experiments happening at Princeton, the purpose of which was to create a new race of super-intelligent laboratory mice. Here is the link to that old story (sorry about the broken images, we still have not had a chance to incorporate all of our old content into the new site). In this story, we predicted that Genius Mice would break out of their labs and take over every college and university in America. We now realize that our predictions might have been a bit premature. Though the Princeton mice were smart, they must have been too weak to do any real damage. This week, nearly five years later, we have been monitoring reports about gene therapy experiments at the University of Pennsylvania that have doubled the strength and speed of mice. Once the Princeton and Penn research is put together, scientists will able to create mice that are super-fast, super-strong, and super-smart. Sort of a combination of Speedy Gonzalez, Danger Mouse, and The Brain. Except these mice will not be harmless cartoon characters... unless some scientists find a way of genetically turning them into cartoons. Man, that would be sweet.

Cuddly Infections: Even though Valentine's Day is over, it's never to late to buy that special person in your life a token of your affection. And what could bring more joy to your significant other than a cuddly, plush model of the Ebola virus? Or perhaps your lover would like to snuggle up against a cute little Black Death bacterium. You can find these and more at giantmicrobes.com. Not just a thoughtful gift, but a chilling sign of things to come!